2011年6月1日 星期三
Discussing cause - 2
According to the occurrence, I analyze the cause of the store closed down. To begin with, location is one of the crucial factors. In fact, the music store is on a small side street just outside of town and, moreover, there is a shopping center that has two large music stores just far from 3 miles away. On the other hand, the music type sold in a music store is also a key. For example, most of the residents in the region mainly are over age 40;thus, both hip-hop and rock are the last types sold well─ maybe country music is an alternative. Furthermore, the business times is from 1 to 5 p.m. every day except weekend. Most important of all, checks and credit cards are not accessible there, which is inconvenient for people in nowadays advanced society. In brief, as long as Michael Williams improve those faults above, I assure him that his music store will be a hit.
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the music store is on a small side street just outside of town and,
回覆刪除這句的and好像放錯位子了~
應該不用and,然後直接加句點=)
music type
要加s~
Furthermore, the business times is from 1 to 5 p.m. every day except weekend.
這裡要標明他們周末並沒有上班!!!
不然就要說明時間不利的地方(更仔細)
in nowadays advanced society.
兩個形容有點重複~可省~
倒數五except for weekends
回覆刪除倒數三in nowadays advanced society 怪怪唷
結論句還不錯唷 :D
In fact, the music store is on a small side street just outside of town(in fact 改成that is to say會更好喔=))
回覆刪除both hip-hop and rock are the last types sold well─ maybe country music is an alternative.(~the last types to sell well~)
which is inconvenient for people in nowadays advanced society.(~people nowadays in the society)其實我覺得nowadays/society選一個就好了耶~
兩個都寫感覺有點多餘><
I assure him that his music store will be a hit(in the future.)
第三行In fact, the music store is on a small side street just outside of town and, moreover, there is a shopping center
回覆刪除and, moreover,怪怪的 連續2個連接詞...
其實到town就可以結尾了 下一句用moreover開頭
倒數第四行 which is inconvenient for people in nowadays advanced society 這樣寫怪怪的 可以改成 which is inconvenient for people who don't have cash on hand
According to the occurrence, I analyze the cause of the store closed down.
回覆刪除-->According to the occurrence, I analyze the cause which made the store close down.
which is inconvenient for people in nowadays advanced society.
-->which is inconvenient for people in advanced society nowadays .
as long as Michael Williams improve those faults above, I assure him that his music store will be a hit.
-->as long as Michael Williams improves those faults above, I assure that his music store will be a hit.
還不錯~小細節要注意喔
According to the occurrence, I analyze the cause of the store closed down.這句要改像咪咪那樣唷
回覆刪除然後實太要用過去式喔嬸嬸後面都變現在式了
因為店倒了~
According to the occurrence, I analyze the cause of the store closed down.
回覆刪除這句可以用關代
這篇時態也是一樣
要多多注意:>